Little Sassy Schmoozer

Sigh… On Friday I’m off to Washington, DC, for a four-day conference for work (yes, Fluff will be taking the trip too). My job while I’m there is to be the nicest, most friendly person on the planet. One major facet of my position is author relations, and this conference is my big gig. I will be at a booth for ten hours a day, making sure that authors meet with the appropriate people and feel like an important part of our house. In addition, I am also hosting our cocktail party for 150 people, plus grad student crashers.

I am so good at this part of my job that it terrifies me. Until three years ago I had no idea I had an inner schmoozer. Sure I’m warm and friendly, and I’m certainly a talker once someone gets to know me, but I’m not one of those people at parties who knows absolutely everyone in five minutes. Or I didn’t think I was. Well, I have since learned that little Sassy Schmoozer resides within me. In just a few days, she’s going to come out to play.

Everyone loves little Sassy Schmoozer. I would like to state for the record that I hate little Sassy Schmoozer. Little Sassy Schmoozer can mollify assholes who need a dope slap more than they need someone to coddle their fragile egos. Little Sassy Schmoozer smiles all the time. Little Sassy Schmoozer is professional, witty, and very, very nice. Little Sassy Schmoozer exhausts me. Little Sassy Schmoozer drives me to drink.

By this time next week, I will officially hate the human race. And then I get to go home for Thanksgiving. No wonder I’m depressed.


19 responses to “Little Sassy Schmoozer

  1. Oh, I don’t envy you. I’ve been to those author things, and I’ve seen the schmoozing. I’ve never had to become one myself, but my friends have, and it’s a sight to see. Make a game of it. Here’s a little author story for you.

    I won’t name the author, but he’s nuts. He showed up a big trade show, and we escorted him to a signing booth. He was wearing an ancient suit that was covered with dandruff and God knows what else. In the middle of the book signing, he pulled out a big can of Lysol and sprayed it behind his ass, with the buyers standing there waiting for his signature.

    Have fun.

  2. totally feeling ya on the home for thanksgiving face. The way my very big, catholic family is falling apart these days, I’d rather stab myself in the face than spend the holiday with them. I had no notion of what you actually did…what kind of authors to do you represent?

  3. I am very impressed you can do that shit, if you’re getting paid to be nice to them fair enough reason, I just hope you’re getting paid well, I can’t abide idiots.

  4. Ewww. Gross.
    Smarming with people for whom you have no respect.
    As Old K. says: I hope they’re paying you well for that.
    Vent your spleen about it on your blog next week.
    I await Fluff’s next photojournal like an overexcited puppy.

  5. Robyn, that’s priceless. Lysol?! I’ll share that story. Thankfully I’ve never seen anything like that before.

    Sorry about the impending Thanksgiving, Taihae. My family’s not so bad, but my mom has invited a steady stream of freaks to spend the holidays with us over the years. Mostly I just feel bad inflicting my misanthropic self on people for Thanksgiving (this conference is at the same time every year). Since I used the word “asshole” to describe some people, I don’t think I should reveal too much more about what I do.

    Knudsen and Dive, if I think too much about the money, I’ll cry. Most of the people are fine, and it is a pleasure to see them. The assholes, however, are trying. I think it’s the cumulative effect that is so overwhelming.

  6. I think I have that inner smarm sometimes too, and also for work, but only for three times a year when we see more of the public. People think I’m funny, and I’m not really sure why they think that. I think I’m sorta mean but they are missing that. Maybe I’m funny. I’ve always harbored a secret desire to be a stand-up comedian. It exhausts me too. I don’t envy you for the individual aspects of it, but I do envy the basic idea of what you do.

  7. Strangely, without really realising it, I think I’ve just been schmoozed. Damn your good. Almost too good.

  8. Before Girl, it can be really fun to be snarky-sweet, can’t it?

    Kieran, I know. It’s frightening.

  9. Everyone.. I have seen the smoozmeister in action! She is truly a wonder to behold!

  10. I have a plan.Meet me at the Mayflower Hotel,get bollocksed drunk and then….I just ran out of plan.
    We could stroll up Capitol Hill and go “Nyahh,Nyaaahh” to all the lame ducks.

  11. Yetta—You’ve blown my cover.

    Devin—I just might need to take you up on that.

  12. Well then, I’m ahead of the game because I already hate teh human race. ;)


  13. Thanks For Your Comment.
    Hey,where’s Cape Ann? near Boston?
    I spent a lovely week in Boston & South Hadley last year.Great Place&People

  14. Steve, if my first job was at K-Mart, I’d hate the world too.

    Tony, thanks for stopping by. Yes, Cape Ann is not far from Boston. I like the area; I’m glad you do too.

  15. Trying to make insecure authors feel secure: needles in the eyeballs! AM had Sassy’s job once; schmooze-face hurts. Single malt helps. Don’t smoke the cigars, though. Trust AM. Don’t smoke the cigars.

    After a while AM decided she was insecure enought to join the other side. Sigh. AM supposes that means she should get back to writing and stop schmoozing where her face needs no twist. Perhaps a little scotch. . . .

    –Adult Me

  16. Hey, AM! How are things? You know it wouldn’t be tough to schmooze you. I would be delighted. It’s WhinyPants, PersnicketyPants, and HisHighnessPants who concern me.

    Scotch=Good. Cigars=Bad. Got it.

  17. Ah, the schmooze. I had to do it for years at conventions. Luckily I was in a field where there were very few women, let alone attractive ones, so I just flashed my cleavage and got drinks bought for me and got sales contracts after all the guys were drunk. Believe it or not, with all the venom I spew on my blog, I am very good at the schmoozing myself.

  18. Fat Sparrow, I know. It’s funny what excellent schmoozers snarky ladies with boobs can be, isn’t it?

  19. Sassy, I never realized you were in the Literature field. I’m in the mist of working a deal with a Professor in Philly who wants to write my book. I’ve not signed anything but I did send him a lot of very personal, unconvicted felonious info, DEA big, ok, get my meaning? Many one day, I’ll see you out there.
    BTW, I’m from the D.C./Va. area, born and raised! Hugs G-friend!

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