Gah! Online Dating Gods Conspire Against Me

I mentioned a while back that I had rejoined the wonderful world of online dating. Living in this part of the world, cyberspace is pretty much the only way to find a desirable date. The men in the town I live in are either married, old enough to be my father, stupid, or some twisted combination of the three.

So unless I want to spend the rest of my life getting drunk and picking up guys in bars (a talent, like schmoozing, which detracts from my self esteem), online dating it is. And since I suddenly found myself newly single nearly two months ago, with a sigh I signed back up.

Normally I would not jump right back into the dating scene so soon, but this time I decided to listen to my friends (advice: best way to get over a guy is to go out with another one) and my therapist (advice: why not try something different instead of spending months sulking—and drinking). I kept hearing that cheesy Aerosmith song about a saddle, but I decided not to let my disdain for Aerosmith keep me from this experiment. Besides, the thought of getting all dressed up and going out with someone new who just might be fantastic put a mischievous little smile on my face.

Still for the first month or so my heart really wasn’t it. I think I sent one half-hearted wink a guy’s way by way of initiation. A few of the responses I got to my ad were from guys I had corresponded with the last time around and had either gone out with them and did not want to see them again or had just decided that they weren’t for me. Other responses came from new guys I did not want go out with, because they didn’t read, they voted Republican, and/or they couldn’t put together a sentence to save their miserable little lives (a note to online daters: your written profile is the only thing that your prospective date has to go on—use spell check at the very least!). Once in a while I would get a response from someone kind-of interesting, and I’d e-mail with them a couple of times before losing interest.

Like I said, my heart wasn’t in it.

But then, something happened. I got a message from a guy within my age range who put some thought into his profile. This guy seemed reasonably smart, funny, well-read, and nice (not to mention the good-looking part, of course). And he wanted to get to know me. Interesting…

I clicked on reply button, typed a flirty little message back, and hit send. Everything looked fine until I noticed that my little “connections” page said that it was still “my turn.” I checked my sent messages, and nothing was there. So I tried again, with a parenthetical note saying that it looked like the first one hadn’t gone through and apologizing for potentially sending duplicate e-mails. Still nothing happened. The damn thing said that it was still my turn.

I contacted the technical department, and they suggested that I e-mail myself to see if the system is working properly. This made me feel somewhat strange, but I tried it. Nope. No message. Gah! I can’t even fucking flirt with myself in cyberspace. I’ve contacted the technical department again, but they still haven’t resolved it.

Perhaps this is a sign. Maybe the online dating gods are telling me something. Right now though I wish they’d just shut up and let me ruin my life like every other reasonable thirty-something woman.


19 responses to “Gah! Online Dating Gods Conspire Against Me

  1. All men are shits, Sassy.
    You of all people have more brain cells than hormones, so you must realise this.

    And sulking and drinking is great. I’ve dedicated my life to it and look at me … er … fuck.

  2. Yetta,
    Have faith and some fun! I have done this on-line thing for many years and although I find myself still single, I have had quite a few interesting, if not chart topping dates. If you look at it as an adventure then you can a bit of fun with it and it won’t be as disappointing. Go out with lots of people. If nothing else you end up with good stories to share. Like my canoe trip the Scottish Cross Dresser. I am still not sure where he hid his “Frank and Beans” in that itty-bitty bikini he modeled for me. (side note: men with chest hair should not wear bikini tops with a ring in the middle.) Then of course there was Scuba Steve who stood on Old Orchard Beach in full scuba attire singing and dancing in his flippers prior to getting kicked off the beach for scubbern’ in the wrong place. So my recommendation to you is have fun with it. Don’t spend lots of time looking for Mr. Wonderful just look for Mr. OK for 1 Date! Things will eventually fall into place!

  3. Thanks, Yetta 2 … My chest hair is now hiding in the cupboard … YOW!

  4. Yea Dive the image still burns… I told him he really better go put something else on before we went to the boat launch because although I may be a bit open minded (little did he know my mind was screaming. WHAT THE FUCK) the people around town may just beat the shite out of him! My intestinal fortitude to continue on the quest arises from my Scottish, Irish and Italian heritage. Years of warring (dating) requires loads of drinkn’!

  5. … as does decades of being too ugly to get a date, Yetta …
    Sorry, Sassy. My self loathing has virally infested your comments page.
    I’ll bugger off now.

  6. I don’t believe that all men are shits, and I am fairly open-minded about such potential dates. After all, it’s just a date.

    My gripe here is that the Internet won’t let me. I would like to e-mail this guy. He seems cool. But the dastardly thing has prevented me from getting a date.

  7. The interweb is a bastard when it wants to be. I’m sure it’s watching us with malevolent intent.

    As for the likelihood of a cool guy doing internet dating … er

  8. Sassy, look at this as a minor technical glitch–wait it out and send that e-mail again!

    Dive, I’m interested in this notion that you would say all men are shits. I have a man friend who says all men are assholes. Why do you all think that? Maybe it’s from generations of women saying it. Maybe you’re both right, and I’m just optimistic.

  9. Only 76% of Western males are shits, and you can easily avoid them – they’re the ones without chest hair. It’s the hairy chested male you want Sassy, trust me. You could never go wrong with a Tom Sellick or a Sean Connery. Never.
    Seriously though, you’re right to keep faith in men. That fella will still be there tomorrow, and by then I’m sure the internet god will be smiling down on you benevolently. He has a hairy chest too.

  10. Dive, remember that part about being only 7% American? Well, online dating is one of those things that makes you not American. I don’t know what happened here in the last five years, but online is the way to go for dating. There are a lot of very interesting and good-looking people on the information superlonelyhighway. Then there are those people who don’t post a picture and can’t spell. We online daters just have to use our judgment.

    The shits-assholes connection is interesting, isn’t it, Robyn? And very Freudian. Thanks for the encouragement. We shall see what happens.

    Kieran, thanks for the advice. I’ll ask all potential dates to send me a snapshot of some chest hair. That should weed out the losers. I, too, hope that the online dating gods smile benevolently upon me tomorrow.

  11. Poor poor gurl, you’ve bought into the whole Disney thing,gurl needs a prince to be happy thing, you don’t, prince was the name of my dog, all men are shites, its the law, like gravity and all weemen are nagging fun destroyers.If you want a man and the only way to get one is to date one then I will do the decent thing and be your sex slave until you get one, no, don’t thank me now. I’ve heard its only weemen with hairy chests that are any good.

  12. Aw… Thank you Knudsen.

  13. Old K has perfectly encapsulated what I had intended to say on the subject.

    As for online dating over here : Holy Mother of Sorrows! (Thanks, Robyn).
    I took a look at what’s available in my lovely city. There are around a dozen alleged women, all of them “with a few extra pounds” and a houseful of screaming brats. Then there are several hundred sad, boring blokes who couldn’t spell “duh”.

    Looks pretty hopeful to me.

  14. Thanks, Dive. You don’t need to be my sex slave, but I do appreciate the offer. Hee hee. Seriously I do get what you are saying. I know I don’t *need* a boyfriend to be a whole and complete person. But I’d still like a date.

    And, good news. They online dating gods have indeed smiled benevolently upon me. The kinks appear to have worked themselves out, and I have heard from nice, cool guy. He says that I sound like a “warm and passionate young lady” (not such a fan of “young lady,” but I’ll take “warm” and “passionate”). So we shall see.

  15. Fingers crossed.
    Enjoy …

  16. Ok I’ll give you one date but only one… got it?? :)

  17. Good luck with “nice, cool guy.” You know that you’ll have to keep us all informed from here on out.

  18. passionate huh? I’ll be watching that one.

  19. Sassy you need to join that new dating site called “Hottie dating” I just read an article in the Boston Herald about it. It seems it’s set up for people who look good and are in good shape. They don’t mention anything about intelligence or spitiuality but hey, isn’t good looks and a ripped body what everyone is seeking????

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