Four Out of Five

Time’s up. Please put your pencils down. The Five Things About Me Quiz is finished. The answers are below.

1. I was a cheerleader in high school.

Dive, are you sitting down?

Oh, this is fun. The looks I get when I admit this are priceless. YOU?! YOU WERE A CHEERLEADER?! people shout when I tell them. Yep. I was.

Please stay seated, Dive, as it gets worse.

I was not only a cheerleader; I was also the captain of the squad. In other words, I was a great cheerleader. I have the trophies to prove it (well, they are gathering dust in my parents’ attic, but you get the idea). If Smokestack makes herself known here, she’ll tell ya. I rocked the house.

Just as no one sets out to be a junkie, I didn’t set out to be a cheerleader. Thing is, I needed an activity for college, and dancing wasn’t going to cut it. I needed something I could letter in. I couldn’t play basketball. I wasn’t terribly good at softball (I throw like the girl I am). They didn’t offer volleyball until my junior year (I was pretty good at that).

I might not have possessed great athletic prowess, but boy could I dance, and I could yell loud enough to raise the dead. Hence, cheerleading. Even though I went to a tiny, conservative Christian school, we had real uniforms with short skirts, and we did plenty of jumping (and cartwheels, and flips, and splits). I hated it. I was not a stereotypical cheerleader. I was not popular, nor was I outgoing (Little Sassy Schmoozer took a big long snoozer during my awkward teenage years). I tried to quit my junior year, but my coach wouldn’t let me. Instead I became the captain of the cheerleaders.

So, yes I was a cheerleader in high school. I was also an excellent student. It always amused me when people at school used to put the cheerleaders down for being ditzy and dumb, especially since some of the most intelligent girls in school were on the squad. One of my cheerleading buddies majored in math and went on to earn oodles of money at IBM. Thanks to my AP credits, I was technically a college sophomore half-way through my first semester in college. But you know, I was like, a cheerleader, so I’m, like, totally dumb and stuff. Totally.

2. I worked at McDonald’s for a summer.

Doubly sad, but also true. I started college in the middle of a recession (thank you, Reagan and Bush I). There were no jobs, and so we were all taking what we could get for work. I had to suck up working at Mickey Ds. I was a vegetarian McDonald’s employee who really didn’t care if people got their fries in a hurry. They didn’t like me much.

My first day, I donned my high-water polyester pants (I am all of five feet, three inches tall, and I have never had a problem with high-waters before or since) with the arches emblazoned on the ass, the polyester striped button down complete with bow tie, and the visor. My friend beheld my appearance and nearly died of asphyixiation. In no way did I look like myself. I’m not just saying that. My McDonald’s costume would have made the perfect disguise if I had wanted to live a life of crime.

One time I worked at another store, and after my shift I changed my clothes before going back to the counter to get an employee drink. They asked to see my employee ID. I had to show them my mustard-stained uniform before they believed it was me and forked over the Diet Coke. When I brought back my uniform at the end of summer, one guy who hadn’t been particularly nice to me took one look at me and exclaimed, “You’re pretty?! Holy Shit!” Ha. Ass.

3. I can roll my tongue.

True. I also have hitchhiker thumbs. My second toe on my right foot is longer than my big toe, and if you believe the story, that makes me a werewolf. My hair’s perfect.

4. I’ve run for public office.

FALSE! Fooled you! I have never run for public office. I’m too much of a rabble-rouser to be interested in running for office. Besides, I was a wild child in my wild days, and there are pictures to prove it. I inhaled. I might get elected dogcatcher, but that’s about it.

5. I’ve been tear gassed at a protest.

True. By Canadian Mounties, no less. In the spring of 2001 my coworkers and I traveled up to Quebec City, Canada, to protest at the Free Trade Area of the Americas meetings. The authorities were stopping people at the border, but we had rented a car and wore decent clothes, so we got a pass. Although I didn’t personally witness any violent activity, the cops did not want thousands of protesters anywhere near the meeting headquarters. So, they repeatedly fired tear gas into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators. The stuff’s awful, and I’m horribly allergic to it. It made me very sick, but my allergist always considered me a hero after that. I’ve been to plenty of other protests in my day, but that was the only time I’ve been tear gassed.

Before Girl is indeed the Smartest Person Alive. She’s the only one who figured it out.


27 responses to “Four Out of Five

  1. How come I’m not the smartest person in the world, too?

  2. Vote for Sassy! Sassy for Dog Catcher!

  3. Carissa, you are very, very smart. But I promised to give that title to the person who guessed right. You knew I was cheerleader. You knew I worked at McDonald’s. You’ve seen me roll my tonuge. You knew that I got tear gassed. Not much guessing involved here.

    But you are still very smart, my friend.

  4. hehe, great stuff.

    sorry, to early to write anymore than that…

  5. Um….since I couldn’t blindly guess…what about “Most Observant Person in the World” (even though it’s not true)?

  6. Dude . . . i fuckin’ suck.

  7. Good morning, Gaigin Girl. Glad you found something to hehe about first thing in your am.

    Carissa, OK. You are the Most Observant Person on the Planet. Congratulations.

    James, don’t worry. With very few exceptions, no one ever believes me when I tell them that I was a cheerleader in high school. It’s my favorite “secret fact” about myself.

  8. I was even wrong about the cheerleading uniform. Oh well. My McD uniform was brown–double knit and brown. Ick.

  9. see what happens when I miss a day? they always post then. I of course would have gotten it right.
    Bush was a cheerleader, you should run for office. I have also been tear gassed though they claimed it was for training purposes, I think thay lied.

  10. Photos … I need Photos …
    You know my email number.
    If I manage to get to work without being arrested for public indecency I’ll reply to the rest when I get there.

  11. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK SASSY! TOO FUNNY! Loved the McD uniform bit…OMG! We have a place here in the mall, where the gals make lemonade by crushing the actual lemons themselves…in this big bucket…hammering up and down on them (CALM yourself DIVE!) with this big smasher!

    And the outfits are so GHEY (to quote an old nasty unsavoury-balled-shite from Scotland! LOL!)…with a little wierd baseball cap sorta thingy and red and yellow and white polyester shorts and sleeveless top! GAG!

    Anyway, guess I lucked out and escaped having to work any fastfood joints in my early years!

    HAGO! ;)

  12. 1. Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn!
    2. “My McDonald’s costume would have made the perfect disguise if I had wanted to live a life of crime.” … Surely wearing a McDonald’s costume is a crime in itself. Am I the only person on the planet who’s never been in a McD or a KFC or any of those other cak-palaces?
    3. Me too, with the toes thing …
    4. Rats! Wrong again …
    5. You were tear-gassed by Mounties? …
    by MOUNTIES??
    Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha …
    Sorry to offend Canada (we Brits love Canada but we are patronising bastards) but that’s like being teargassed by Beefeaters over here … Hee hee … ah, me …
    Thank you, Sassy. That’s made up for all the Dive-baiting of yesterday.

  13. Robyn, weren’t those McDonald’s uniforms horrible? Blech.

    Knudsen, you were missed. I find it very disturbing that W and I have something in common, but I’ll deal. But didn’t he snort? Hee hee.

    Dive, no. You can ask Carissa if you don’t believe me. Upon finding out that I had been a cheerleader, she insisted on seeing some kind of proof. I did a cheer. She’s satisfied.

    Ame, nothing compares to a McDonald’s uniform. No contest.

    Dive, it wasn’t really Mountees. It was Canadian riot police. I just couldn’t resist saying it.

  14. Gotta love Mounties…must be the horse! LOL! ;) Sorry, all that talk just got me going!

  15. Awww. I’m gonna sulk now …

  16. Don’t sulk. It’s not becoming.

  17. It’s no good; I can’t sulk with my tongue in my cheek.
    It looks silly and it’s kinda hard to talk.

  18. < taking a bow >Thank you, so much. I totally had it figured out you were a cheerleader. Of COURSE you were a cheerleader, it totally fits in a non-fitting way. And you should be proud that it’s your favorite secret fact about yourself. I think that’s just great.

    I loved this game. We should all play it on our own blogs.

  19. We have, BG.
    Now it’s YOUR turn!

  20. Oh, and congratulations!

  21. Sweetheart, you were tagged. Do the assignment.

    I only hope that I have as much insight into your ephemeral life as you had into my sassy one.

  22. Okay fine. I will count that as a tag then. Give me a few minutes.

  23. A cheer;eader, huh?


    Suddenly I am looking at you n a whole different light.

    A leecherous…kinda gross light. ;)


  24. Hmmm… My comment didn’t make it.

    Before Girl, I’ve already made my attempt.

    Steve, think all you want.

  25. Ooh, maybe I’ll play!

  26. Oh. PS. Hi. Friend of BFGirl and James here!

  27. Guess what I’m doing??? Te he he. OMG! And the worst part is that I can’t talk about it tomorrow. I guess that means I’m going to get a lot of work done if I can’t talk.

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