Every now and again, we get some fascinating mail where I work. Yesterday, we received a missive exhorting us to sue the Department of Homeland Security for $500,000,000. For the warrantless wiretapping program? Nope. For abuses under the Patriot Act? Hardly. No, Homeland Security deserves to be slapped with a lawsuit because they have outlawed “regular can openers.”

Look! I have contraband! Soon the G-men will bust into my apartment, riffle through my kitchen drawers, and arrest me for possession of a regular can opener. I will be hauled before Congress to confess my crimes and turn in my neighbors. Then they will leave me to rot in a secret CIA prison. “But I just needed to open some cans!” I’ll cry hoarsely from my cell, as I scratch out the days and years I’ve been in the cell.

I gotta sign onto that lawsuit. I need to open cans.


21 responses to “Contraband!

  1. Will $500,000,000 be enough to buy the whole country new can openers?
    Ask for more!
    Er … being a Brit, I have to ask the obvious question: what the fuck is going on over there?

  2. I dunno, Dive. It’s a sad, sad day when citizens can’t open up cans.

  3. So let’s get this straight:
    You can buy guns and ammo over the counter but not can openers?

    That makes our English law seem almost sane.

  4. According to our letter-writer, you can’t. It was news to me.

  5. Lunacy. So many ‘can’ puns come to mind I’m left wondering if every country should have a Department for Homespun Maturity. And ‘regular’? That has meanings very specific to the US. Er, what’s an irregular one (ie unbanned) – large, xtra large, or serrated?

  6. I’m going to Walmart at lunch to stockpile can openers.

  7. You ever seen anyone attacked with a can opener? Trust me, it’s not pretty…

    Can you imagine the effect that banning toe nail scissors has had? I have not cut my own in 5 years. Gives a whole new meaning to stubbing your toe, as you can no longer hop around freely while in pain. That’s because you first have to free yourself from being stuck in the wall.

  8. People who send mail like that are very scary. Hey? Was this from the guy at physical therapy who thought the post office was run by the mob?

  9. That whacko is probably bunkered in a basement somewhere with tons of canned food he’s worried about.

  10. Conan, I have no idea. I can only hope that I have an irregular can opener. Department of Homeland Lunacy is what I think of.

    Zirelda, do. It just might be your last chance. Hide them in your matress.

    Mark, I’ve never seen such a thing. What does it look like? I don’t want to think about long toe nails. The thought makes me a little bit sick.

    Robyn, it might be the same guy from physcial therapy, but I really hope not.

    Welcome, Medbh! I think he’s hoarding cat food and spaghettios.

  11. Well at least they only riffled through your kitchen drawers, imagine what they would have found in the bedroom! Those underwires could poke an eye out!

  12. I have an electric can opener and two manual ones stashed away in my drawer. I will move them to the attic tonight…..

  13. Dive,

    You can’t buy Lawn Darts either, because a kid once was hit in the head and killed with one.

  14. I have a lethal pair at home as it turns out – cuts everything in the vicinity apart from cans!

  15. Swing-A-Way, Merrill.

  16. Flirty Something

    Wow – can nail clippers be far behind?

  17. Proxima, they would have gotten the surprise of a lifetime had they looked in there! Well, OK, they wouldn’t have, but doesn’t that sound like a cool thing to say?

    Maria, we’ll have to set up an underground network to keep us in regular can openers.

    James, I know a guy who can get you the darts. I’ll give you the password.

    Conortje, I once worked in a housewares store, and we sold an “As Seen on TV” can opener called “Saftey Can.” My fellow employees and I could quote the video demo from memory and threatened to inflict serious harm on those who bought it. Perhaps it could help you, though?

    Don’t you just love the Swing-Away, Fat Sparrow? Such a good can opener. I bet that’s why they outlawed it. It lasts too long.

    Flirty, first they came for the can openers…

  18. I use one of those old Army issued can openers I used for my C rations in the field. I keep it on my keychain. It can cut someone up pretty good too. :))

  19. Don’t you just love the Swing-Away, Fat Sparrow? Such a good can opener. I bet that’s why they outlawed it. It lasts too long.

    It is truly brilliant. I’ve had mine for 13 years, and it goes in the dishwasher after every use, and it’s just now getting to the point where I need a new one. They’re about $8, even at Wal-Mart, but well worth the money.

  20. I’ve got a can opener… Do you reckon that I can get a G-man to come rifle through my drawers… heh!

  21. Be careful with those things, Rich. You’re getting the rest of us in trouble.

    Fat Sparrow, they are indeed the best. And cheap.

    Welcome, Fresh Hell! The G-men will be delighted with your drawers, I imagine.

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