Favorite Jeans Destroyed, Sassy Faces Soul-Crushing Search for Another Pair

I’m no fashion maven, but I have noticed that ripped jeans have made something of a comeback. Many years ago, I wore ripped up jeans as a symbol of my contempt for polite society (that and because all the cool kids were wearing them). Seeing the young people sport this trend fills me with a certain nostalgia, and so I suppose I should have been happy when my favorite jeans went from worn to torn.

Unfortunately instead of saying nonconformity, my jeans say, “Hey! She’s wearing hot pink underpants!”

Yep. My favorite jeans bit the denim dust.

My nostalgia has been replaced with dread. You know that statistic about women having to try on a gazillion pairs of jeans before finding one that fits? For me, it’s two gazillion.

It all starts with the length. While my legs are long for my height (five feet, three inches), my inseam is smack dab in between petite and regular. Petites fit like capris, and it looks like I have made an embarrassing faux pas (rhymes with “hamel foe”). I try on regulars, and the crotch hangs down to my knees and I trip all over myself. I don’t mind rolling a bit, but I’d rather not look like I’ve pooed my pants. Searching for a pair that mitigates the four-inch difference between the standard sizes takes all my shopping patience. Once that issue is resolved, however, I have other problems.

Most jeans for women are really made for fourteen-year-old boys. As I am, in fact, a woman, I happen to have hips. And an ass. I like my curves (and I’m not alone), but designers seem to think that I should take a chainsaw to them in order to fit into their jeans. By the time I find something that is both the right length and will fit my hips, the legs billow out, and I look like a blue grocery bag. It takes another soul-crushing eon to find something that shows that I have legs and not logs.

And then, there’s the style. I’m not twenty-one anymore, but neither am I forty-five. I want something that looks perfect whether I’m hitting the town or going to the coffee shop. The color is important, as is the overall detail. There’s nothing worse than the wrong pair of jeans. I should know. I have at least four pairs in my closet, purchased in desperation or exhaustion after deluding myself into thinking that I’ll like them once I get them home. 

Last, but by all means not least (especially now), is the price. I’m unemployed. It doesn’t make a lick of sense to go out and drop a huge chunk of change on jeans. But style and fit don’t come cheap, so I’m not sure what to do about that. I do visit the discount racks, but with all of the above stacked against me, I rarely have any luck.

Sigh. Maybe I’ll just stick with skirts.

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9 responses to “Favorite Jeans Destroyed, Sassy Faces Soul-Crushing Search for Another Pair

  1. Oh, hee hee, Sassy!
    I’m lucky; I just buy 501s and they always fit and they make my ass look good.
    Skirts don’t look so good on me so I’ll stick with jeans.

    The new blog looks nifty. Yay!
    I’ll update my Sassy link.

  2. I haven’t gone clothes shopping for myself in such a long time that I find clothes shops completely weird.

    link updated!

  3. Egad! Same here. Though I’ve found that if I buy men’s Levi’s (505s or 501s) and have the leg opening tapered (just a teeny bit) they do quite nicely for me. My favorite 501’s just shat the bed recently and I am awaiting delivery on a new pair of those and an experiment with 514s.

    I found a web site that still sells normal jeans in normal cuts, in normal washes. Denim Express. Free shipping on orders over $70 and most Levi’s styles are still under $30.

    Though buying on-line is risky. I bet their return policy is pretty liberal…

  4. Welcome to the new blog, Dive! I can’t really do 501s. I can do some other Levis men’s jeans (I can’t quite remember the numbers), but 501s have the log-leg effect on me.

    Conan, welcome to you too! I have shopped for my own clothes since I was fourteen, and I still find the whole thing weird.

    And welcome to the new digs, Andraste! I’ll have to look into that. I can’t do 501s (see above), but there were some other Levis that work. I had a vintage pair when I was in college that I wore until it was in tatters.

  5. forgotten clothes are like new clothes……that’s what I do…..wear stuff forever, stash them when bored with them and find them again months later……”yippee – a new sweater”…..if you know what I mean

  6. when you find a good pair buy two of them!!!!

  7. Manuel, I do the same thing. Unfortunately, this time I’d still say, “Hey! There are my underpants!”

    Conrotje, I wanted to buy two of them, but they only had one! I was so sad, knowing that this day would come.

  8. Have you considered forming a deep and personal relationship with… a good seamstress? ;) My wife has found that when she finds the right combination of color, heft, ass, crotch, waist and whatever other mystery goes in to the equation, she cares very little about length – as long as they are long enough. Then she’s off for a tryst with little Miss Suri who transforms them into perfect pairs, apropos for heels or flats. Just a thought that might reduce the searching by one factor, down to perhaps 1.5 gazillion…

    And emotionally, I’m with you. I just ripped my favorite pair open at the knee. :(

  9. I found a great pair of jeans on sale at Banana Republic in the after xmas sales. They fit PERFECTLY except for the fact that the damn zipper will NOT stay up.
    Jeans are a pain in the ass.
    I stick with skirts and dresses.

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